my mouth tastes like poor choices
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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