Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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