god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
