I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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