Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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