Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
