i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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