dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
