I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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