apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
