but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
