you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
