I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
