I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
