What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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