So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Congratulations! We have a period
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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