So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
