No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
