it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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