I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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