My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
