I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
