Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize