My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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