My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Randomize
