Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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