You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
