he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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