When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
