I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
