I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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