she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
