went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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