Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
