Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
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i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
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I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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