woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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