I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Every concussion has its silver lining
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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