I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You're a waste of cheezeits
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm both gender and math confused
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
