So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I think my fart just growled at me.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
