if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
