Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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