I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
