i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
