nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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