Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
