you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
