So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
