im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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