I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
