I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
