im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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