I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
its liver damage thursday
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
