Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
