Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize